feeling low today, I want so much to be a mummy... what if I'm not? what if I never am?

sitting, waiting, praying....

17th March - Egg collection day!

I was so nervous, Mike had to go in first and if they could find some sperm I'd go down after. Mike was so calm. I sat in my gown nervously waiting, then Doctor Nick stuck his head around the curtain, he looked at me for a while then a huge smile came on his face and he said 'Easy!... you're next!'
When I woke up we were told that they had 5 eggs, I thought that was good until I heard them saying that the other lady had 7 eggs and another had 9... but I only needed 2 so 5 was still a result.

18th March
It was a restless night, praying that the two would fuse and we would have some good embryos, Mike got the call that we had 4 embryos.. YAY!!

19th March - Embryo transfer day!

The sun was shining and I had a feeling it was going to be a really beautiful day. I was so relaxed and not at all nervous, Doctor Nick was looking very happy. We were told that only 2 embryos had survived but the 2 that had, one was a grade one and one was a good grade two, Dr Nick said that he was really worried when I only had 5 eggs but was amazed by the results. We were shown a picture of them on the screen, I named them bubble and squeak. The transfer was amazing, I could watch it on the monitor and we saw the embryos disappear...' in the bulls eye' as Dr Nick said.
I left the hospital feeling like a little mirracle had just happened.

2 week wait

Now all I can do is wait and pray that implantation takes place and that Bubble and Squeak grow into 2 healthy babies .......

Playing God?

Things are well on the way with the IVF now, after 22 injections my tummy is starting to feel a like a pin cushion but knowing what the outcome could be makes it all worth the pain.

When we first found out that IVF was the only way that we'd have children I had so many questions for God, the main one being 'why us?' I suppose the question that followed was 'why not us?' I have been a christian all my life but that doesn't make me immune to illnesses, or bad things happening, it doesn't mean I get things my own way or any special treatment.

When we first talked about IVF I was worried that perhaps me not having a baby is God's plan for my life and I worried that IVF was 'playing God' as it wasn't how God intended babies to be conceived, but God created us in his image, he gave us brains, he gave us special gifts. He created humans in such a way that we will learn ways to cure and heal. God uses people on earth as vessels for his work, and not just the preachers, he can use anybody and I truely believe He uses Doctors and was there when the doctors and scientists dicovered how to make fertility possible for those that can't conceive.

Last Wednesday I had a bad day, for some reason I couldn't get the needle into my tummy, my stomach was just so firm, I had 10 attempts to get the needle in and started to get myself so worked up into a right state. Luckily I have a doctor friend on hand so I jumped in my car clutching my needle and went to ask for help. My friend took the needle from me and quickly stabbed it into my tummy, I didn't feel a thing and I felt so silly for getting myself so worked up.

The next evening I had to start my Menopur injections so this meant 2 injections a night, due to the trouble I had the evening before I prayed that God would make me brave and that I would be able to do it, the needles went straight in and didn't even hurt. God answered my prayer, to me that was only a small prayer, but God hears every prayer, and each prayer is as equally important.

I have been quite lucky with the treatment so far and apart from feeling tired and a few stomach cramps I haven't really suffered with any side effects, I know things are going to get much harder, but I have Faith that God will be with me every step of the way.