I can't believe its nearly a since I had my operation to remove my cysts off my ovaries. At the time I thought the chances of me ever getting pregnant were so slim, now look at me, I have an ever increasing tummy and only have 6 weeks until my precious little baby arrives. I feel so blessed :)

baby Noah

2 months to go until the arrival of my little bundle of joy 'squeak' arrives. I'm getting excited and pretty scared now.

A couple of weeks ago my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Noah James. He's tiny but gorgeous. Lyndsay and Chris did an amazing job of delivering him, on their own (with help from a person on the other end of the phone) on the living room floor. I'm so proud of them, but I don't want anything as dramatic as that when I give birth, in a hospital bed with midwives and doctors will do me just fine :)

My nursery is coming along now, the blue paint is on the wall and the green grass will go on tonight, I can't wait to have it finished.

Squeak is keeping me up at night, wiggling around and hiccupping lots, I've even been experiencing some braxton hicks, but I'm happy because I know its preparing me for the sleepless nights to come.

I still sometimes have to pinch myself to believe that I actually have this little miracle growing inside of me and in a couple of months it will be in my arms.

disheartened

Today I am feeling very disheartened and I really hate feeling like this because I have a little miracle growing inside of me. But sometimes no matter how happy you are someone can still manage to bring you down.
I love my church and my church family but recently I've been made to feel unimportant and that the work that I do is taken for granted and unappreciated.
I am a person of very little words and very rarely speak out, my confidence isn't great when it comes to talking. But a few weeks ago I stood up for what I believed to be right and it caused a week of upset and grief, the things I said were taken the wrong way and whenever I tried to explain myself it was blown out of proportion and made things worse, In the end I apologised knowing that I was backing down on what I thought to be right because I knew that person was much stronger than me and had more of an influence over the church and the corps officer. It didn't matter how I felt and my feelings weren't really taken into consideration. It made me feel insinificant and I felt that from now on I should stay silent.
A big aspect of the corps that I love is the worship group, it always seemed to boost my faith and helped me to feel closer to God but recently I've felt that it has lost something, so I deceided to do something about it and try to get everyone together to talk about things, but that didn't work, although people were interested to start with they all started cancelling at the last minute, another sign that I shouldn't speak out.
I was told once that I had the gift of disernment - The gift of discernment is the special ability that God gives to certain members of the body of Christ to distinguish between truth and error, and to know with assurance whether certain behavior purported to be of God is in reality divine, human, or satanic. I use to experience a strange feeling when we had all the upset in our corps a few years ago, my heart would beat fast, I would feel breathless and dizzy... I'm am not saying that I am experiencing the same feelings now but I do feel that something isn't quite right in our church at the moment, maybe the devil is trying to get back in but at the moment I don't feel like I can say anything as I don't feel like I have the support or even the love of certain people. Over the last year we have taken on leadership teams so that everyone feels that they have a say in how the church is run... I'm not sure this is true, if so why do I feel so insignificant and disheartened at the moment.

Sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happppppy when skies are grey,

You'll never know Squeak, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away!

Wriggly Squeak

Wow, I can't explain how amazing it feels to be pregnant. I love it :) I love experiencing new feelings inside my tummy.


Yesterday was a bad day, I hadn't felt squeak move for a couple of days and I was really beginning to worry something was wrong, Mike even phoned NHS direct to find out if this was normal. They asked me to call my midwife and said that I'd probably have to go to the hospital to get checked out. That really scared me so I decided I'd try a few things first, people adviced me to have a really cold drink, something to eat, have a bit of a jump around and then lay down on my left hand side and hopefully I will feel squeak move. So I gave it ago (good excuse to have some ice-cream) An hour later, still nothing so Mike said he would call the Midwife. But I told him to come and hold my tummy for a bit, as soon as he did we both felt a little kick from squeak letting us know everything was OK... RELIEF!





Then this morning I sat looking at my tummy and i actually saw squeak move, it was so weird but some beautiful too... that's my squeak in there reassuring mummy that everyting is ok!





Can't wait to see the midwife on Wednesday, hopefully she will let me hear Squeaks heartbeat.





I love squeak so much... my little mirracle! :) xx

20th July 2011

On Wednesday I had my 20 week scan, I still can't believe how amazing it is to be pregnant.
I can't thank everyone enough for all the prayers and I know without a doubt that God answered those prayers through the skills of the doctors at Nurture.

Everything is going well, the morning sickness has faded away and I'm enjoying every minute of being pregnant. Last week I was feeling some little flutterings in my tummy and they have started to feel stronger more like kicks. My baby bump is growing and my clothes are getting a bit tight.

At the scan, Squeak passed all the little tests, all its measurements are correct and everything is developing at the right pace... Squeak did make me do a little dance in my pants to try and get it to turn over and eventually after a 15 minute walk it did what it was told.

I am so happy, and I love little Squeak so much already. I can't wait to make a start on the nursery :o)

1st June 2011

This is squeak at 13 weeks, it was so awesome to see its little heart beating - I'm in love already :)

28th April 2011

This may look like a little blob, but this is infact my little miracle Squeak at 8 weeks - SO HAPPY :)

Happy Mothe'rs Day

having a very happy mothers day... can't wait for next years, it'll be even better!

2 more days to go.....

I'm getting very nervous now, I'm not sure I'm ready to take the test yet. At the moment I feel
pregnant, I have no reason to think that I wouldn't be, I have no negative signs, I'm quite happy feeling that I have bubble and squeak growing inside of me... on Sunday that feeling could end, just like that, I'm not sure I'm ready for that, I'm not prepared for a negative reading at all.


This week we got the keys to our new home... our first house together, I'm sooooo excited, its on a nice little close across the road from Bestwood Country Park, the perfect place to bring up children.
I know I wasn't suppose to get my hopes up but I've already designed the Nursery in my head.


Sunday is Mothers day - the perfect day to find out that I am going to be a mummy, and the perfect gift for my mum. It will be an emotional day whichever way the result is.

feeling low today, I want so much to be a mummy... what if I'm not? what if I never am?

sitting, waiting, praying....

17th March - Egg collection day!

I was so nervous, Mike had to go in first and if they could find some sperm I'd go down after. Mike was so calm. I sat in my gown nervously waiting, then Doctor Nick stuck his head around the curtain, he looked at me for a while then a huge smile came on his face and he said 'Easy!... you're next!'
When I woke up we were told that they had 5 eggs, I thought that was good until I heard them saying that the other lady had 7 eggs and another had 9... but I only needed 2 so 5 was still a result.

18th March
It was a restless night, praying that the two would fuse and we would have some good embryos, Mike got the call that we had 4 embryos.. YAY!!

19th March - Embryo transfer day!

The sun was shining and I had a feeling it was going to be a really beautiful day. I was so relaxed and not at all nervous, Doctor Nick was looking very happy. We were told that only 2 embryos had survived but the 2 that had, one was a grade one and one was a good grade two, Dr Nick said that he was really worried when I only had 5 eggs but was amazed by the results. We were shown a picture of them on the screen, I named them bubble and squeak. The transfer was amazing, I could watch it on the monitor and we saw the embryos disappear...' in the bulls eye' as Dr Nick said.
I left the hospital feeling like a little mirracle had just happened.

2 week wait

Now all I can do is wait and pray that implantation takes place and that Bubble and Squeak grow into 2 healthy babies .......

Playing God?

Things are well on the way with the IVF now, after 22 injections my tummy is starting to feel a like a pin cushion but knowing what the outcome could be makes it all worth the pain.

When we first found out that IVF was the only way that we'd have children I had so many questions for God, the main one being 'why us?' I suppose the question that followed was 'why not us?' I have been a christian all my life but that doesn't make me immune to illnesses, or bad things happening, it doesn't mean I get things my own way or any special treatment.

When we first talked about IVF I was worried that perhaps me not having a baby is God's plan for my life and I worried that IVF was 'playing God' as it wasn't how God intended babies to be conceived, but God created us in his image, he gave us brains, he gave us special gifts. He created humans in such a way that we will learn ways to cure and heal. God uses people on earth as vessels for his work, and not just the preachers, he can use anybody and I truely believe He uses Doctors and was there when the doctors and scientists dicovered how to make fertility possible for those that can't conceive.

Last Wednesday I had a bad day, for some reason I couldn't get the needle into my tummy, my stomach was just so firm, I had 10 attempts to get the needle in and started to get myself so worked up into a right state. Luckily I have a doctor friend on hand so I jumped in my car clutching my needle and went to ask for help. My friend took the needle from me and quickly stabbed it into my tummy, I didn't feel a thing and I felt so silly for getting myself so worked up.

The next evening I had to start my Menopur injections so this meant 2 injections a night, due to the trouble I had the evening before I prayed that God would make me brave and that I would be able to do it, the needles went straight in and didn't even hurt. God answered my prayer, to me that was only a small prayer, but God hears every prayer, and each prayer is as equally important.

I have been quite lucky with the treatment so far and apart from feeling tired and a few stomach cramps I haven't really suffered with any side effects, I know things are going to get much harder, but I have Faith that God will be with me every step of the way.

I am really struggling to know what to say at the moment, my head is so full of mixed emotions.

Good things are happening, I got the all clear after my op and the go ahead to start IVF which is really good news, but really scary too. Its a bit like a lottery, you phone up and if there is a spare incubator you're in, if not you have to wait until next month. There are the drugs that I have to take, the thought of injecting myself everyday for two weeks is making me feel a bit uneasy to say the least. Then you've got the fear of will Mike's op work and will I get pregnant? There are so many different stages you have to go through, so much waiting and biting you're nails before you can get to the next stage and so many things that could go wrong.

Its hard to balance your feelings, everyone says you have to think positive, but how do you do that without getting your hopes up, If I let myself believe it could happen is that going to be harder to recover from if it doesn't? I do have faith that God will answer our prayers, and that through all the drugs, injections, stress, operations, recovery and worry He will be with us and will be with us when we give birth to a beautiful baby.

But sometimes I feel confused, I can have faith that all these things can happen, I can fully believe that God will answer my prayer, but He may not answer it how I would like. I get that, he can't answer everyones prayers, how could he? In the final of the world cup, millions of people from the 2 sides will be praying for their team / country to win, God can't answer all their prayers because only one team can win! God can't make everyone win the lottery, etc etc...

What I am asking for is a miracle, every child that is born is a little miracle, I still believe in miracles.

I know that God wants what is best for me and that he has already planned my life out. I just need to be patient, and whilst I wait upon the Lord be a faithful servant to Him