let us who live in the light be clearheaded, protected by the armor of faith and love, and wearing as our helmet the confidence of our salvation.
1 Thessalonians 5:8

No matter what!

I am sat at work, alone, on a SATURDAY, cutting endless vinyl stripes for South Yorkshire Police Training Centre, very tedious! But I always seem to be able to get a lot more work done when no-one else is in to bother me.

While I work I've been listening to Air1 Radio - an American Christian radio station and a song came on that really touched me and made me think about the situation that I find myself in at the moment.

The song is called 'No Matter What' by Kerrie Roberts and it talks about no matter what we are going through we can still trust in God.

Wanting a baby is all I can think about at the moment, it means so much to me but what happens if it can't be? I know people have been asking "what will she do if it doesn't happen? How will she cope?"

I don't want to think about never having children, but how will I cope if it doesn't happen?...

...One thing is for sure, I know that I won't turn away from God, I will still believe that he has a plan for my life. My hands will still be lifted towards Him and my heart will still sing songs of worship.

I'm running back to your promises one more time

Lord that's all I can hold on to

I gotta say this has taken me by suprise

but nothing suprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life

It has to go through Your hands

And even though I keep asking why?

No matter what I'm gonna love you

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, I'll trust You, No matter what!

When I'm stuck and there's nothing else but myself

I'm just sitting in silence

There's no way I can make it without Your help

I won't even try it

I know You have your reasons for everything

so I will keep believing

Whatever I might be feeling, God, You are my hope

and You are my strength

Anything I don't have You can give it to me

But its OK if you don't, I'm not here for those things

The touch of Your love is enough on its own

No matter what I still love You

and I'm gonna need You.

Chocolate

Endometriosis... (sounds like a spell from Harry Potter!) or Chocolate cysts! The consultant thought I'd feel better if I could give it a name! Well I'm not so sure, finding out that I have this "disease" that lowers my chance of getting pregnant, finding out that I need an operation that will put back the IVF again and finding out that I can't egg share which will cost me twice as much money near enough breaks me.

I feel like my heart is breaking and that no-one understands. I wake up longing for a baby, A baby is all I can think about all day, I have the names ready in my mind, the nursery is all picked out, the paint colour chosen, I go to bed praying for a miracle... my dream seems to be slipping further and further away.

I know people "feel for me" but they can't possibly understand how I feel.

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You're my only hope when my world is fading before my eyes, Jesus keep my heart alive. Sanctus Real

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 NLT

The Redeemer

Sometimes I just wanna start over

'cuz everything looks like a wreck

And I need the courage to carry on

'cuz I can't see whats ahead

And there are places I've wished I could be

Battles I've wanted to win

Dreams that have slipped through my hands

that may never be back again

But I'm still a dreamer,

A believer

Oh, I lost my faith in so many things

But I still believe in You

Cuz You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say

All things that are easy to hear

Ignore the injustice we see

And explain every unanswered prayer

But I'd rather speak honestly

and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve

cuz in the middle of my broken dreams

Redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer

A believer

Oh, I lost my faith in so many things

But I still believe in You

cuz You are the answer

The Redeemer

Oh, I've given up on too many things

But I'm not giving up on You

cuz You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life

But I'm trusting You one day at a time

Cuz You can make a weak heart stay alive

Forever

And this is where heaven and earth collide

I lift up my hands, I give my life

This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh. I'm still a dreamer

Still a believer

And You are the answer

The Redeemer

Cuz You can make anything new

Yes, YOU can make anything new

The Redeemer....... Sanctus Real

One step forward, two steps back!

Its been a while since I've blogged, trying to get my head around IVF. My head is spinning - Literally - I'm feeling very dizzy right now.

Went for my pre-treatment scan yesterday & blood tests, I was really nervous, never having an internal scan before the not knowing what to expect was scary. It wasn't as bad as I had expected, not a nice experience but not horrible. Although what they found hasn't filled me with much joy, the scan showed up a polyp & a cyst on each ovary, I think this explains the doubled over pain I have been experiencing for the past 3 days although Pughy thinks this is just a coincidence.

I do feel like things are always being put in my way as a sign that I should give up. Like when I put £500 of stuff onto ebay and only made £15, or the £1200 insurance claim that came through taking away all our savings, and now 2 cysts that may cause problems and slow the whole process down.

But then I have to look at the positives like both our parents offering to help with the costs, and Iaine, Julies husband, offering to pay for it all with Julies life insurance. All the good advice I am receiving from friends and people that have been through the same thing and my faith that this is all in Gods plan for my life.

Sunday was fathers day, I'm so happy that I was born into such a loving and happy family, my Dad is amazing, he is such a good role model, he has worked so hard all his life to look after my mum and me and my 2 sisters, it can't have been easy for him living with four girls. He brought me up to appreciate everything and to be thankful to God for what he has given us. On Sunday we all went out for dinner for my nephew Sam's 18th birthday and I could just see how proud my Dad was of us all. I love him and my mum so much, I hope one day that I will have a family of my own and if I do even as half a good job as my parents then I'd have done good!

Then I looked across the table and I see my Mike looking so sad, He had not heard from his 2 children, all it needed was a call, he wasn't interested in a card or a gift. I want to give him a child with me so much.

Just had a call from Nurture saying that the doctor needs to talk to me about the results of the scan, and they booked an appointment for 26th July!!!! that's over a month away! Everything is on stop again, it feels like one step forward two steps back all the time.

We are back to the waiting game and not knowing what is going on again.

They tell you not to get stressed out but what else is there to do?

Life is so unfair!!

Last night my world fell apart... I found out that I wouldn't be able to have children naturally.

When I was a little girl my biggest hero was my Mum, I just wanted to make her proud of me and I wanted to be just like her when I grew up... a Mum! I never would have imagined that at the age of 35 my dream still wouldn't have come true!

You often hear people on reality TV programmes such as X Factor & Britains Got Talent say "I've dreamed of this all my life" But I really have dreamt of becoming a mum all my life! I know I would be a good Mum, I have so much love to give. In the film 'Jerry Maguire' Tom Cruise says to his girlfriend "You complete me" I love my husband more than anything but my life will never be complete without children.

I just feel so angry at the moment.

I'm angry at Mikes Ex-wife who didn't want anymore children so asked Mike to have a vasectomy but now has twin girls with her new husband.

I'm angry at my friends on facebook who constantly moan about being pregnant, I just want to tell them to cherrish every moment of being pregnant because they have a special gift from God inside them.

I'm angry that the NHS don't care about me, and that they won't let me have IVF for free because Mike has children from a previous marriage.

I'm angry at those so called friends that spread rumours about me around church saying that I was trying to get pregnant before I was married.

I'm angry that people that don't want children can fall pregnant so easy.

I'm angry at the Magpie that sits outside my window at work everyday bringing me bad luck!

But mostly I am angry at myself because I am angry at God. I know deep inside that this isn't God's fault but I just don't understand? I feel like I must've done something wrong? The bible says 'ask of anything in My name and it will be given to you' I have asked for a baby so many times... so why? I've always tried to live my life right and for God, I could've tried to get pregnant after Mike had his reversal but we didn't believe that we should bring a child into the world until we were living together and we didn't want to live together until we were married. I've always tried to be true to the promises I made to God when I was enrolled a soldier of the Salvation Army and if I ever broke those promises I would ask for his forgiveness. Perhaps I just didn't have enough faith or I didn't pray hard enough?

Recently I found the bible reading Romans 5 'Faith brings Joy' which helped me alot whilst I was going through the loss of my bestfriend Julie but now I am confused again because at the moment my faith doesn't seem to be bringing much joy!

My four year old niece on sunday asked me how you get babies in your tummy, I told her that I wish I knew because I wanted one, she said she would buy me one and then ask the hospital to put it into my tummy, If only she understood thats what actually might happen now... not sure if she would have £4500 to pay for it though ;) !

Never Forget

I was the new girl, started Big Wood School in the last term of my 2nd year, I walked into my new tutor group and the 1st person that welcomed me was Julie, She was sat at the back with 2 other girls, Monica & Sarah, She had the biggest smile I had ever seen & thick wavey long brown hair. Julie was quite quiet then, not one of the most popular girls, which was cool by me because neither was I, so already we had something in common. She was always hard working, got her homework in on time & very organised. Neither of us were very good at sports, we always seemed to be last to be picked. In the 4th year we became a lot closer due to picking a lot of the same subjects & it was music class where she seemed to be in her element, I played the cornet & she played the flute, we both joined the orchestra of which Julie won the big shield for.
We had a big crush on our english teacher Mr Weatheridge & sometimes stayed back a bit after class so that we could ask him homework related questions (that we probably already knew the answers to)

Once we had done our GCSE's we opted for High Pavement College together where we did Music A level. College was where the real Julie shone through, she developed a really good sense of humour & had us all in stitches most of the time with her dirty mind. When birthdays & Christmas came around I always knew not to open my gifts in front of my parents as there was bound to be a rude gift from Julie!

We spent most of our time at college in the music room common room where we made some really good friends including Rachel & met our first proper boyfriends. We had so much fun, and I have so many good memories from that time. I think Dr Sibley had a special soft spot for Julie and he loved it when we joined the choir. I never finished my A levels but Julie worked really hard and got the grades so that she could go off to uni. I remember that being a hard time for me because all my friends moved away from Nottingham. But I didn't have to worry because the friendship me, Julie & Rachel had was made to last.

I can't really tell you about Julie's uni years as I don't know much about them, but I know when she came home in the holidays she had a new love of partying, so we'd often get the old college gang together and go out on the town, where I'd observed them all getting slightly tipsy while I sipped my diet coke. Julie came back to Nottingham after university, She met Iaine and bought a house... a perfect place for Julies legendary New Years Eve Parties. But with Iaine coming from Somerset they finally decided to move down there so we had to say goodbye again. We kept in touch on the phone and She was one of the first people I told when I met Mike.

I was at work when I got the phonecall from Julie telling me she had cancer, I couldn't believe it, I remember her asking me to pray for her to get better and her telling me that she was going to fight.

We had tickets booked for Take That in Birmingham & that was the first time I had seen Julie since she told me she was ill, she was losing her hair but other than that she looked really well. We had really good seats & Julie even managed to touch the boys as they walked past her, we had a really fantastic time!

In the last 3 years we all had weddings so we spent a lot of time comparing notes, having Hen do's and enjoying 3 great weddings, we spent a fantastic New Year at Rachels & our last trip to London was one I will never forget.

But one of my favourite times was when Julie came down to Nottingham and me and her went out for an Indian, it was the first time in a very long time that we had gone out just the two of us and it was so nice to have that time to talk. We reminisced about the old times but mostly we talked about God and our faith. God spoke to Julie in so many amazing ways, she told me how she was given the gift of healing and also experienced a vision. I questioned my faith of 34 years because nothing like that had ever happened to me but I realised Julies faith was so strong & that God was using her in a very special way. Since then my faith has grown stronger and I believe so much in the power of prayer, I know that Julie has got her reward and she is in heaven with all the other angels.

I often thought that I wasn't good enough for Julie, she was so outgoing & confident with a great personality & a crazy sense of humour & I was quiet and boring, a good christian girl that went to church but I realised that Julie didn't want everone to be exactly like her, she needed me to be that friend that she could spend special times with, someone who she could talk to and in the end it was God that brought us even closer together, She loved me for who I was!

I have so many more happy memories of Julie & I will never forget!

Think Pink!

So what happens now?

It's a week and a half until the funeral and it feels a bit like I'm in limbo. I'm not sure how I should be feeling, the sun is shining and its a beautiful day but I feel guilty for laughing... but then again I know how Julie would want me to feel, she always kept us smiling through the tough times so she wouldn't want me to be sad. I just wish there was something that I could do, something worthwhile instead of just sitting here and waiting.

Someone posted this on Julies Facebook page which basiclly answers the question what do I do now?:

Don't grieve for her, for now she's free
Following the path God laid for Julie
She took his hand when she heard his call
She turned her back & left it all
She could not stay another day
to laugh, to love, to work, to play
Tasks left undone must stay that way
She found the peace God sent that day.
If her parting has left a void
then fill it with remembered joy
a friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
these things we all will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
she is the sunshine of tomorrow.
Her life's been full, she savoured so much
good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps her time seems all too brief
don't lengthen it now with undue grief
Lift up your heart and smile with Julie
God wanted her now, He set her free.

Julie inspired so many people in so many different ways, and for me I know she would want me and Rachel to support each other and to carry on with our plan of getting together every month, it will obviously be hard without Julie, but life is for living and I am going to make the most of every minute and cherish the times I spend with my friends & loved ones. I also want to do what I can to help support the Cancer charities that Julie supported. Me and Rachel suprised Julie last month & told her that we would be running the race for life with her, she was so happy, now we will be doing it for her, but I know that she will still be there with us on that day cheering us on!

Julie has requested that instead of flowers for the funeral she would like people to donate to cancer charities and also instead of everyone being sad and wearing black, that everyone should wear pink, I can just imagine her smiling at all the men in pink. She was amazing and we should celebrate her life.

Now... what to wear.... pink, pink, pink !! :D

Hard to say goodbye

Where do I start?

This whole blogging is new to me, but I've been encouraged by a good friend who says that blogging really helps so its worth a try!

Today I lost my best friend in the world, Julie, to cancer & at the moment I feel numb.

3 years ago I got a phone call from Julie telling me she had cancer & I think they had given her 6 months. She told me she was going to fight it, and boy did she! For 3 years she was so strong, never giving up, lived her life to the full, raising money for charity, travelling around the world and being an inspiration to anyone that had the pleasure of meeting her. She was always putting other people 1st before herself.

A month ago me, Julie and my friend Rachel organised a trip into London to have a meal and to see the show Hairspray, we had an amazing time and promised each other that we would do something like that every month, We never would have imagined that would have been our last day out.

Last Saturday we went down to Somerset to say goodbye. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I knew she was ill and I knew that one day she wouldn't be here anymore but it still came as a massive shock, Its something that you can never prepare yourself for! The time we spent with Julie on Saturday was precious, to hear Julie tell me that she loved me and that I was her best friend is something I will never forget, and I was so thankful to have that time with her to tell her I loved her, how proud I was of her for being so strong and that she was a true inspiration to me.

Julie found God, and her stories & God experiences were amazing and really helped me, a christian of 34 years, in my faith. She told me on Saturday that she wasn't scared and that she knew that Jesus was waiting for her. Such amazing faith! She knew that would comfort me ... still thinking about other people even then.

It still doesn't seem real that she's gone, she was only 35. But I know she is at peace and in heaven.

I love you Julie. I am so happy that you were in my life. I will miss you always X

So say goodbye 'cause you'll be leaving soon
I know it's hard, and I'll be missing you
I know its time to say goodbye

I know the road, has worn you down
You never broke, you always held your ground
But now its time to say goodbye

And I know we'll meet again, but I wish It'd never end
You don't mean to make me cry
But it's so hard to say goodbye

Say goodbye
Say goodbye

And though you're gone I remember now
The time we shared, you're words still ring out
You're never far, you're in my heart

And I know we'll meet again, but I wish It'd never end
You don't mean to make me cry
But it's so hard to say goodbye

Ohhh, Ohhh
Say goodbye
Say goodbye

And I know we'll meet again, but I wish It'd never end
You don't mean to make me cry
But it's so hard to say goodbye

Someday we'll meet again 'cause thats how the story ends
Its so hard to say goodbye
Say goodbye