I am really struggling to know what to say at the moment, my head is so full of mixed emotions.

Good things are happening, I got the all clear after my op and the go ahead to start IVF which is really good news, but really scary too. Its a bit like a lottery, you phone up and if there is a spare incubator you're in, if not you have to wait until next month. There are the drugs that I have to take, the thought of injecting myself everyday for two weeks is making me feel a bit uneasy to say the least. Then you've got the fear of will Mike's op work and will I get pregnant? There are so many different stages you have to go through, so much waiting and biting you're nails before you can get to the next stage and so many things that could go wrong.

Its hard to balance your feelings, everyone says you have to think positive, but how do you do that without getting your hopes up, If I let myself believe it could happen is that going to be harder to recover from if it doesn't? I do have faith that God will answer our prayers, and that through all the drugs, injections, stress, operations, recovery and worry He will be with us and will be with us when we give birth to a beautiful baby.

But sometimes I feel confused, I can have faith that all these things can happen, I can fully believe that God will answer my prayer, but He may not answer it how I would like. I get that, he can't answer everyones prayers, how could he? In the final of the world cup, millions of people from the 2 sides will be praying for their team / country to win, God can't answer all their prayers because only one team can win! God can't make everyone win the lottery, etc etc...

What I am asking for is a miracle, every child that is born is a little miracle, I still believe in miracles.

I know that God wants what is best for me and that he has already planned my life out. I just need to be patient, and whilst I wait upon the Lord be a faithful servant to Him