When I was a little girl my biggest hero was my Mum, I just wanted to make her proud of me and I wanted to be just like her when I grew up... a Mum! I never would have imagined that at the age of 35 my dream still wouldn't have come true!
You often hear people on reality TV programmes such as X Factor & Britains Got Talent say "I've dreamed of this all my life" But I really have dreamt of becoming a mum all my life! I know I would be a good Mum, I have so much love to give. In the film 'Jerry Maguire' Tom Cruise says to his girlfriend "You complete me" I love my husband more than anything but my life will never be complete without children.
I just feel so angry at the moment.
I'm angry at Mikes Ex-wife who didn't want anymore children so asked Mike to have a vasectomy but now has twin girls with her new husband.
I'm angry at my friends on facebook who constantly moan about being pregnant, I just want to tell them to cherrish every moment of being pregnant because they have a special gift from God inside them.
I'm angry that the NHS don't care about me, and that they won't let me have IVF for free because Mike has children from a previous marriage.
I'm angry at those so called friends that spread rumours about me around church saying that I was trying to get pregnant before I was married.
I'm angry that people that don't want children can fall pregnant so easy.
I'm angry at the Magpie that sits outside my window at work everyday bringing me bad luck!
But mostly I am angry at myself because I am angry at God. I know deep inside that this isn't God's fault but I just don't understand? I feel like I must've done something wrong? The bible says 'ask of anything in My name and it will be given to you' I have asked for a baby so many times... so why? I've always tried to live my life right and for God, I could've tried to get pregnant after Mike had his reversal but we didn't believe that we should bring a child into the world until we were living together and we didn't want to live together until we were married. I've always tried to be true to the promises I made to God when I was enrolled a soldier of the Salvation Army and if I ever broke those promises I would ask for his forgiveness. Perhaps I just didn't have enough faith or I didn't pray hard enough?
Recently I found the bible reading Romans 5 'Faith brings Joy' which helped me alot whilst I was going through the loss of my bestfriend Julie but now I am confused again because at the moment my faith doesn't seem to be bringing much joy!
